In The Midst | An Open Letter To My Single Friends

Dear Single Friends,

First of all, let me begin by saying I see you. Particularly if your single season is of the prolonged sort, I know the moments of frustration you've probably experienced. When you married off your 5th friend in a year and you hadn't even been asked on a date in that time, maybe you couldn't help wondering if you'd ever get there. When you threw 3 baby showers in a row and then planned your own birthday party because no one remembered, maybe you couldn't help feeling ever-so-slightly invisible. Maybe you've even started to wonder if you have some glaring flaw that is keeping people away. I want you to know I've been there and I'm intimately acquainted with the lies that will happily set up shop in your heart if you let them... or if you look away long enough for them to sneak in.

The last thing I want to do is minimize the heartache of those experiences or pretend that if you're doing singleness "right," you will love every moment of it and never dream of anything different for yourself. Rather, my hope for this letter is that it will remind you of what a beautiful gift this life is, and remind you that you are not waiting for it to start. We're in the midst of it, my friends. And even when it doesn't feel like it, this season too, is a gift.

So if you've ever felt overlooked or left behind, this is for you.

1. You Are Anything But Forgotten

Dear friend, you are seen, you are known, and you are loved. We have to be clear on this point before we can move on to anything else. The God of the universe knew you intimately before He built the foundations of the earth, and He calls you His. You've been claimed. You are not waiting for your other half to come and rescue you from this mundane season of loneliness. You have been rescued and your life has been given beautiful, immeasurable purpose. He is not surprised about the season you are in right now, because He has designed it especially for you. So whether your heart has been shredded by the serrated edge of rejection or you are experiencing the deep ache of loneliness- or you are simply feeling a little left out- He is with you and He is for you. You are not forgotten.

2. You Have Purpose Now

There is purpose in your life that is completely independent of marriage. As single people, it is so common to hear that we are still single because God is preparing us for a spouse. I think this message is selling short God's heart for us in an extreme way. Ultimately, the Lord does not sanctify and purify us so that we'll be prepared for marriage; He does it so that we can live with an intimate knowledge of who He is. His heart is for our holiness, and He is a far more worthy reward than a spouse will ever be. So stop waiting. Stop settling for coping mechanisms to help you be patient for "real life" to start. We are not promised tomorrow, and this may be the moment for which you were created. So embrace the beautiful purpose the Lord has placed on your life in this moment. Because He is worthy of so. much. more. than your waiting.

3. Seize Opportunities to Speak Truth

Not long ago, I sat across the table from a dear friend, sharing life and drinking coffee (because Hi, I’m Sammy and 90% of my social interactions involve coffee). Our conversation inevitably drifted toward relationships, and I listened as this sweet friend shared that she feels that her life has become “every young girl’s nightmare,” because married-straight-out-of-college hasn’t been her story. I hear where she’s coming from and I’m so grateful for the boldness of her confession in that moment. And here’s why.

This girl is killing the game. She has seized opportunity after opportunity to serve, to learn, and to invest her life in places that will have eternal impact. She has this beautiful habit of saying yes to Jesus, whatever He puts in front of her. She oozes wisdom and is one of the most intentional people I know. Plus, she has a killer sense of humor and let me tell you, the girl knows how to have fun! The years of faithfulness she has lived should be every young girl’s goal, not their nightmare.

And this is why I love this conversation so much. Because if it’s true that young women look at her life with dread, then she has been given the incredible opportunity- responsibility, really- to speak Truth into their fear. Single friends, we have been given a unique platform to preach Christ’s sufficiency into the lives of the younger generation. While having a spouse in no way lessens the enough-ness of Christ alone (and married people need it just as much as we do!), there is a certain power in this particular Truth when spoken by someone who does not have another to lean on. Steward it well, my friends. Don’t let the fears of others (or the fears of your 21-year-old self) define this season for you. Instead, plant seeds of Truth into their uneasy hearts. Sow deeply, and the fruit you will reap will be not only sweet, but eternal.

4. Build Habits of Contentment

I think one of the biggest lies sold to singles is that contentment lies in finding a mate. That a perfect Pinterest wedding to the man of your dreams will bring all the happiness life has to offer. Contentment is not based on your situation; it is based on the condition of your heart. It's a habit- a choice to daily see the beauty of the place where the Lord has you, wherever that place may be. In the pursuit of abiding, unwavering contentment, your wedding day is not the finish line. It's another day of training (albeit a fun day of training. Like Zumba. Or that cool new workout where you get to hang from ribbons from the ceiling like those people in the circus. So it's a great day, but it's not the endgame. You catch my drift?). Hear me, friends: if you are not training your heart in the discipline of contentment during this season of singleness, marriage will not magically deliver it to your doorstep. Deep, abiding contentment can only be found in intimacy with your Savior. Find rest in Him and seek joy in the little things. If you need ideas on how to do that, read on.

5. You Have So Much To Celebrate

Maybe you resonate with the scenarios mentioned at the very beginning of this letter. Maybe you feel like you're spending your whole life celebrating other people, but have nothing of your own to celebrate. I'm here to tell you that it's a lie. You have so much to celebrate! Joy is not reserved for married people. The Lord's goodness is just as good in this season as it will be in any other, and He has given you all of creation to enjoy. The secret to celebration in any season is gratitude. Start a thankfulness journal and add to it every day. Buy yourself flowers to celebrate a rainy day. Sleep in on a Saturday, then give yourself the gift of a few hours curled up with a good book and your favorite coffee drink. If you have an extra $5 in your "fun money" budget this month, take yourself on a little trip to the Target dollar section and let yourself go crazy. Make a habit of celebrating the small moments, and the small moments will become worth celebrating.

6. Don't Give In To Bitterness

Disappointment is a normal, healthy emotion. It builds character. It gives us the opportunity to decide how we will respond when life doesn't go the way we wanted or the way we had planned. Take a moment to acknowledge that you're not where you'd like to be. Give your disappointment a moment to breathe. And then send it on its way.

Given enough time, disappointment fosters bitterness, and bitterness is dangerous territory.

When we've been hurt, it's natural to try to protect ourselves from letting it happen again. With my single friends, I see this most commonly in two ways: 1) Blaming the entire gender for the deficiencies of a few, and 2) Becoming snarky commentators on all matters of love. Friends, let's be gracious in our pursuit of holiness. Let's recognize that just because one or two (or maybe ten) guys/girls didn't use good judgment in the way they treated us, does not mean all men/women are inherently out to get us. There are good ones out there. Find them and make friends with them. It will restore your hope in the opposite sex, and provide a safe place to discover what healthy interaction looks like again. And as far as the snarky commentary, it's just not helping anyone. Be happy with your friends who are happy. If you feel that their relationship is unhealthy in some way and you have the relationship with them to bring it up, speak the truth graciously in love. Then move on. But eye rolling and bitter sarcasm aren't a good look on anyone, and they are a sure sign that you've allowed disappointment to overstay its welcome.

7. It's OK To Have Boundaries

Put yourself on the calendar. I'm serious. Set regular times for yourself to do the things that edify your soul. And when someone asks you to do something in that time, tell them, "I'm sorry, I already have something going on then. How about (insert another day/time here)?". Sometimes it's hard to say no when we don't have a family to blame. If you don't have kids to put down for naps or a husband to make dinner for, it can be hard to figure out how to say no to people. If you're anything like me, you might even feel selfish for turning someone down just to spend time alone. But the Lord created us for rest, too. We were not created to run ourselves ragged in an attempt to keep up with the expectations of everyone around us. You are the only one who can prioritize your time. So decide what's most important to you. And if spending time with Jesus and/or being a healthy, functional human fall anywhere near the top of that list, boundaries are going to be necessary. Make it happen.

8. Be A Good Friend

Celebrate the people in your life well. Be in all of your best friends' weddings and don't dampen their day being sad it's not you. At the reception, cry happy tears that they are just so dang happy (Rejoice with those who rejoice, you know?). Assume the best of them. When they say things that are hurtful or unhelpful regarding your relationship status, recognize that they are probably trying their best to be encouraging and love them for it. And lastly, seek out other singles and share life with them. Think of times when you might feel lonely, and chances are, you're probably not the only one (talk about irony). Send them a note, meet them for ice cream, or go see a movie on a Friday night. Be the kind of friend you want to have.

In closing, you are not single because you missed an opportunity. You are not single because your standards are too high or because you are naive to your own repulsive nature (I don't think so anyway... maybe ask a trusted friend just to be sure 😉 ). You are single because the Lord has chosen you for it. So get up and get moving, Sunshine, because you've got a job to do. Pursue holiness with all you've got. Invest in younger generations. And above all, set your eyes upon Jesus because He is more than sufficient. Don't miss chances for eternal impact in your pursuit of happily ever after.

Seek first the Kingdom, friends. I promise there is nothing more worth it.

Love Always,

Sammy

#singleness #relationships #love #purpose