How To Love Your Single Friends

Dear Married Friends,

With Valentine's Day quickly approaching, you have probably started researching what to give your Boo to make sure they feel extra loved this February 14th (Guys, you have 12 days. You're welcome). But have you thought at all about how to make your non-romantically-involved friends feel loved? And I don't just mean on Single's Awareness Day, but in your life?

If I'm honest, singleness can be a really intimidating subject to talk about. Especially to you. Sometimes it can be difficult to bring up challenges that are unique to this season of life without fear that we sound like we're pining away, wallowing in our lonely sorrow. Most of my friends are you, and so believe me when I say I know that most of you have a sincere desire to be good and supportive friends for the singles in your lives. Thank you for that! I also know that sometimes it can be hard to remember what it was like to be single, which can make it hard to know how to encourage people still in that season. So here are just a few ideas to get you started!

1. Celebrate Us

Don't get me wrong, we love to celebrate you! I'm not one of those girls who hates weddings because I'm sad I'm not planning mine yet. I love love! I love being a part of happy moments in my friends' lives! And also, I love eating cake! I love throwing your showers and spoiling your babies!

But sometimes it can get exhausting when we're spending all of our time (money, energy, etc.) celebrating everyone else but don't feel like we have anything of our own to celebrate. You have someone built in to post your accomplishments all over the internet and take you away for your birthday. We don't have that, and sometimes we can start to feel a little invisible. So make a big deal out of our things- when we buy a house, or get a promotion, or have a birthday. Make your single friends feel like they're worth celebrating.

2. Don't Feel Sorry For Us

We know you're trying to help, we really do. And it's so sweet of you to want us to have the happiness you've found. But there's usually nothing more discouraging than a sympathetic look and the pep talk that inevitably follows about how the right person is waiting right around the corner. I started hearing this probably around the time I turned 18. I'm 26. You and I both know we have no knowledge or control of that, so why make empty promises?

You know what's far more encouraging? When you challenge us to make the most of the season we're in. Ask us how we're investing in the Church. Ask us how we're pouring into our friendships. Ask us what avenues the Lord is using to grow us in holiness right now. Ask us who we're pouring into and how we're growing. Recognize this season as more than a waiting period. It is entirely within the Lord's plan for us, and His plan is always the best one. He has purpose for our singleness, or we wouldn't be here. So remind us of that. Instead of pitying us, cheer us on in our pursuit of what He has for us.

3. Don't Leave Us Behind

Share life with us. Sure, your day-to-day life looks a little different than ours now that you're married. Your single friends totally understand that there are things about this season that may be foreign to us that your married friends will have firsthand experience with. And by all means, have those friends too! The Lord wired us all with different strengths and gifts to build each other up, regardless of relationship status. Your season is a gift and so is ours. Just because your single friends are single, doesn't mean they have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

So invite us into this season with you. Include us in some of your social plans. Notice I said "some," it doesn't have to be "all." Some things are just too couple-y and we get that. We don't want to go out with you for your candlelight anniversary dinner. But if you're getting 3 or 4 couples together to, say, go out to a movie or head out on a weekend camping trip, invite one or two of your single friends along, too. We know that your motives are pure... you wonder if we might feel awkward or like the odd one out. Let us decide that. If we feel too weird, we have the freedom to say "No, thanks." But it's never fun to feel intentionally left out because we don't have a significant other. Some of my favorite friends are couples who let me "third-wheel" with them without making me feel like a third wheel. Who let me be "auntie" to their babies and learn from them as they parent. Just because our season is different, doesn't mean it's irrelevant. Differences are meant to be learned from, so let's lean in and learn from each other!

4. Be Gracious With Us

Have you tried dating lately? Pat Benatar was right- love can be a battlefield. We are probably going to be hurt when things don't go the way we planned or confused when we get ghosted by a guy we were excited to spend more time with. We may need a minute to be bummed that we're not in the season we would have chosen for ourselves right now. Sit with us in that. Say you're sorry he was a dumb-dumb and that he wasn't that cute anyway. LIE TO US if you have to. OK, I'm getting carried away. My point is: let us be human. You don't have to fix it, just be with us through it. Mail us a note on a rainy day or drop our favorite coffee by the office. Being single can be hard sometimes (just like we know being married can be hard sometimes!), but it doesn't have to be lonely if friends like you are willing to sit with us in the imperfection.

In closing, married friends, we need you! And frankly, you need us, too. The diversity within the body of Christ was not an accident. Invite us into your lives and share with us what God is teaching you. Let us do the same for you. I think we'll all be amazed at how much we have to learn.

Love Always,

Sammy

P.S. I am not an expert and this is not a comprehensive list. I'd love to hear your thoughts, married or single! What are some other ways we can love each other well?

P.P.S. Single friends, I didn't forget you. You get a letter, too. Stay tuned.

#singleness #friendship #love #relationships